Things Life Has Taught Me

1. Never drink anything blue.

2. Limes make everything better.

3. When life hands you lemons, squeeze them in your enemy's eyes.

4. Don't compromise on quality. Do compromise with your spouse.

5. Stand up for what you believe in.

6. If you think you'll save time by washing a muddy two-year-old boy and a muddy two- month-old puppy at the same time in the same bathtub, think again.

7. People who lie about one thing usually lie about many.

8. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure makes life a lot easier.

9. Tequila is evil. Very evil.

10. Reality shows are worthless. If you want reality, live your life, don't just watch it go by.

11. It's good to roll with the punches, but make sure you come up swinging.

12. MacGyver can do anything.

13. Try building something at least once.

14. Try new foods, even if you hate them all.

15. Surprise people.

16. Have a pet. They love you.

17. If the doorknob is slimy, don't ask questions. Just wash your hands.

18. Marker comes out of carpet. Crayon doesn't.

19. Wasp spray kills spiders. So does spray paint. And Windex, if you use enough.

20. Sawing through a roll of tape with a hacksaw is harder than you might think.

21. Goldfish can't play outside.

22. Killing houseplants is easy.

23. Cats can look more condescending than any other animal.

24. Costumes are fun.

25. Money you find in the washing machine always belongs to you.

26. Birds really do poop on some people more than others.